November 2022

Another day of me becoming a loser. 

2021 already passed. Now it's end of 2022.

And I'm still stuck in my slump with anxiety that I created.

Being frustrated already part of me. 

I knew it better than anyone else.

Because I'm facing it right now. 

Everytime I look at my arm, I had that intention.

How it feels. 

Every fucking time I feel like stop breathing I looked at it. 

It's hurt. My heart still hurting.

9 May 2020

I'm internally frustrated and losing hope.

Imagination at its peak.

Covid-19

Today marks 5 day of restrictions movement order by our government due to Corona virus. 

5 days of lockdown, strictly stay at home order give you time to relaxed and do some thinking on your part.

When we're were ordered to stay home, I feel happiness as I've been in so much pressure and stress couple of weeks before. 

As a homebody and introvert, being at home is the most anticipated event for me. I can do things I love, watching Netflix and play games.

The cons is as much as I love being at home, not moving gave me some painful experience as I suffered lower back pain again. Being lying on the bed, sitting and all this routine were already bad enough to my body.

Nevertheless, I still happy that I can live without pressure.

If mom still here, I'm for sure that she won't survive with this virus. Remembering her health condition and current situation, I'm just glad that we able to see her go and accompanied her before we sent her go to a better places. 

May God protect us all from this virus and help us recover from this event.

sleeping pills

I already purchased it.

I feel like cutting my chest and try to calm down.

I hate myself.

I hate for feeling this way.

I hate everything.

I hate everything.

I hate everything.

I screamed.

I'm dying.

Decision

I've been seriously thinking to purchase some sleeping pills.

I feel like the anxiety has taken over me again.

I cannot stop thinking and keep worrying the same thing.

I can't do anything.

Everything stop.

I can't move forward with my work.

I got some mental block.

My heart is in pain.

I feel like dying.

I don't wanna be in this line anymore.

I wanna stop thinking about everything.

I want my mind and my heart to rest.

I'm tired.

I really do.

I wish someone will listen to me.

56 days has passed

My mother had passed away last December. Precisely 28 December 2019.

Today mark her 56 day she's been gone.

I feel empty. The house becoming too silence.

My heart is dead. 

But I cry everytime I remember that day.

The last day I seen her alive. 

The last day I see her face.

The first time in my life I crying my heart out.

I miss you mom.

I'm sorry cause I never been a good daughter to you.

As long as I'm alive, I will always remember you. 

Love,

Your second daughter.

I'm at my limit.

I had enough of this world.

I feel weak.

For the first time I cry.