Last October...i had a multiple breakdown.
I feel worst about myself.
I want to cry but I keep holding it inside.
I keep pushing myself doing stuff that not part of my interest anymore.
I felt horrendous.
I loss that passions towards my work.
But I'm getting better as I chose to ignore that feeling.
Its unhealthy but I need to face it.
Now its 2019. More challenges to come.
I wishes for God to ease my pain.
I skipped my work today.
I'm telling them I on medical leave.
I was so depressed till I felt like hurting myself.
I kept thinking of suicidal but I can't do it.
I thinking of hurting my self and taking some pills this morning.
I need to resign asap before this thought getting worst.
God please help me.
When things happen out of my control and became messy than before, I wish I was lying on bed in hospital for few weeks.
I want that sickness. I hate those people. They should not be in contact with me.
I have to admit that my emotions always like a roller coaster rides.
Sometimes I felt like moving forward with my life.
Some other times, I just want to stop everything. I want to run to place far from here.
Sometimes I want to be at artic. I want to live my life there.
Sometimes I don't feel a thing. And I want to keep it that way.
I had depression.
The moment I'm writing this is the hardest moment for me to cope with my daily life.
I had no one to talk too.
I had no one to trust.
Last night I dream of suicidal.
I know its not a good thing.
It just I can't deal with other options.
The burden is too much.
The pressure is unbearable.
Everyday I refused to wake up.
Starting the day is hard for me.
I need help.
But no one there is ready to listen.
Everyone busy talking.
I'm tired. Just really...really tired.
I feel like I'm losing it. I kept losing it.
I felt worsen.
I felt like doing nothing.
I have no interest in everything I do.
Its not a fatigue.
I'm done with all the sickness.
Cold, flu, coughing, back pain, food poisoning..
It all happened to me within three months.
Internal stress which I had difficulty to rid off.
I feel like hating everything.
My life, fate, environment.
Why I deserve all this.
Just let me go.
I need to go.
End of raya holidays, I hurt my back again. The pain I endured for a month taking away my precious week again.
End of raya month, I ended up with cold and flu.
And this week I got food poisoning due to the shell seafood called bamboo I ate at my cafeteria. I hate vomit. It makes me weak.
All of this may cause by work stressed that I've been held up inside me for a while.
I hate everything I've been doing lately.
I'm tired of everything.
